A friend said I’m handling the break-up extremely well for a two-year relationship coming to such an abrupt end. She noticed that I’m not my normally-funny self (which I still question if I’m ever funny or not), but I’m not taking my anger out on anyone else.
I don’t cry when I’m sad. My great-grandmother, grandfather, grandmother, and father all died when I was 7, 9, 19, and 23, respectively, and I didn’t shed a single tear. I understand that life and death are cycles and death is a condition of life. I understood that at a very young age. I work too hard and do too much to get “sad”; when I’m sad, nothing gets done.
I am, however, very angry at all of this. I’m more angry at myself than anything. We had set up dates for us to go out to dinner and, in the few hours before several dates, the date was cancelled. Something came up: she needed to handle some family business, she had gotten grounded (she still lives at home with her parents), she didn’t have the funds to handle the date (I always said that I would cover it but she preferred to pay her way), something.
I have a condition: if I have no reason not to trust you, then I trust you completely. I don’t question anything you say because you don’t give me a reason to question you. There was no reason to doubt anything she said, so I never did. Might be pure foolishness but I work on a trust basis. As far as I know that trust had never been broken with her.
Looking back, I might have been too trusting. I don’t know.
Don’t know if I’m going to share this with Tumblr or not, but I need to write it down because I’ve had a headache since Valentine’s Day and have had maybe three hours of sleep since then.
My most recent relationship just ended. Nearly two years of time. Almost an entire lifetime of attraction. This relationship proved it’s very possible to get out of the friend zone, but it also proved that hard work doesn’t always pay off.
I liked this girl since I was about five. She didn’t like me back then, though. Seriously been attracted to her since the beginning of high school, and she still didn’t like me. But maybe by my sophomore year of college she had finally come around. She saw what I was and what I became: throughout middle school and high school I was a goofy kid who spent all of his time playing games (board games and video games) and sports (I was generally good at everything but I wasn’t the best at anything) as well as acting in school and church plays; come sophomore year of college I’m on three different radio shows as a host, radio personality, and disc jockey, working as a photographer and videographer, and well on my way to getting a degree in television/news production.
At this point we’re only friends. I invite her to come to my college’s annual carnival hoping the relationship grows to be more than friends and she accepts. The day of, a few hours before the carnival begins, I text her to see when she’s arriving. She tells me that she can’t make it because she’s in the hospital post-surgery. She told me which hospital and I was there within an hour. I spent the entire night with her comforting her. No one else came to see her. No family, no close friends. Just me. It was clear to me at this point that I was more than attracted to her physically. She was somebody to me.
She’s interested in my second year, but it’s not until my fourth year that she’s actually interested in being with me. We’re in a relationship then. Hanging out weekly, watching movies, going places, doing things. Any time she says “I want to go to _____” or “Let’s do _____” the plan instantly becomes to arrange for us to go or do whatever. No questions asked; we’re going there or doing it.
I planned a surprise evening for her for Valentine’s Day 2014 (the second year into our relationship). We go to her favorite place to eat, enjoy a playlist of music personalized to be her favorite songs with no exception, everything is perfected to how she likes things. The night ended with “I really appreciate you.”
I haven’t heard from her since then. No response to any of my texts, not answering any of my phone calls, no responses on social networking sites, nothing. On 02/23 (nine days later) I call her from an office phone with a different number than usual and the following conversation takes place word-for-word:
- "Hello?" she answers the phone.
- "Hey, you," I respond. My normal response to her when we greet each other.
- "…who is this?" It was a genuine ‘I don’t know whose voice this is’ tone, not an ‘I’m pretending to not know who you are’ tone.
- "…who does it sound like?"
- "Who is this?" She sounded more mad but still like she couldn’t tell whose voice it was.
- "…you seriously can’t tell who this is?" At this point I was in shock.
- "No." And she hung up immediately.
I stared at the phone for a good minute because I was having a little trouble breathing. I was seriously confused. I didn’t know what the hell had just happened. After a minute I got a text from her saying “Sorry, my phone acting up.” I responded with “For damn near ten days?” The only thing I got from her was “No” at that point.
Your boyfriend of two years. How do you not recognize the voice of your boyfriend of two years? I’m still confused about this. I’ve literally spent days trying to figure out if I did anything - literally anything - wrong in the nine or ten days that she didn’t respond. I can’t think of a single thing. There hasn’t been a single complaint in the two years of the relationship on either of our ends.
I honestly don’t want to believe that she left me for someone else but that’s all that I can come up with. Someone else who got tired of being the side and, for one reason or another, she chose him/her over me. Whenever it came to asking me for advice on decision-making, I would always tell her to follow her heart. If she feels a decision is right, take it; the only wrong decision is making a choice that you don’t agree with. If the assumption is true and she felt like the other person is a better choice than me, then I am not mad at her for following her heart.
But needless to say I’m both angry and sad about all of this. I just don’t know what to do. I’m really just lost and confused right now.
You ever watch a porno and it’s getting good and you get that nut and then they start talking about some real life shit?
Like the two people in the flick orgasm and then they lay down and take a break and talk about what would happen if she got pregnant.
Dude says he’d get a job. He’d get two or three jobs if he has to in order to support his family.
I gotta get my life together.
I’ve actually been daydreaming about the future of Shame Face for a while now. Still amazed it’s even a thing. Slowly figuring out where I want to take it.